My second substack post, published here on Action to the Best Success!
Learn how to be softer.
Being softer is not an appearance, or some kind of idealized fantasy of womanhood and/or femininity. It is your behaviour; your daily actions which make up the essence of what woman you are aspiring to become in your present day. It means you sometimes have to rush less; walk quietly, and confidently into a room if you so happen to be late, and apologise with a sense of calm, respect and poise if the meeting was expecting you to be punctual. Do not sweat; or let your hair get caught flying in the wind – or in general be caught up with the air of capitalism; the expectations, the deadlines and the rush. Take your time. Think more. Breathe more. Femininity is calm and collected. She does not get swept up in daily pacing back and forth. She does not concern herself too much with the elements of the world which bring stress, turmoil and doubt. No matter what the clock says, or no matter what the calendar dictates, she keeps her peace, and uses her intuition not just as a form of guidance, but as a way of life. She is on her own timing. And, yes, you are probably asking yourself, “are you telling me to absolutely abandon and ignore my responsibilities and daily challenges?”. The answer to that question is no. I would not ever try to dictate and change someone’s schedule based on pure feeling and ways of living life on a different timeline. However, a feminine woman – to me – does not let life get in the way of her confidence; her shine, and her calm and collected nature. Rushing disrupts this flow, and sometimes you just have to be free and ‘let go’. A part of this sub-section is being ‘less aggressive’. Do not get me wrong – femininity is strong – she is far from weak. She knows how to defend herself; and those who she holds dear. However, what I am describing is a different form of aggression – one that harms the feminine – in my opinion, more than it nurtures it. It is an anger which is unjustified – rooted not in reason, but in pure rage and a tip of the scales in temperament. It is illogical; crude, irresponsible and unattractive. People may be intimidated by you; not by your poise or your excellence, but because you are a ‘mean girl’. You never attempt to smile. You never initiate a conversation, not due to shyness, but more so, “why do I have to be speaking to you?” It is an arrogant form of aggression, which does not seek to learn how to convert itself into a positive ball of strength – but, rather, it stubbornly remains as a wall of defensiveness with a constant eagerness to fight back. To me, a feminine woman embraces any aspect of herself which is more desirable; she always seeks to be kind where she could have been crude. She is sweet and magnetic by her way of speaking; using anger as a last resort, and uses her art, and her passions to lift people’s spirits – however that may look like. Or, even by her smile alone. People want to be around her. People want to experience her energy; the uniqueness, and the fun. Am I telling women to be people pleasers simply to express their feminine? No. What I am saying is, – do not suppress what is supposed to be natural and beautiful for you in the face of adversity, and stress. Do not let the world dim your light, that was designed to be spread across the masses, to let people live in colour and smell sweet perfume, and listen to melodic tunes – or to simply look at a beautiful creature – that being a woman. We were made to be rays of sunshine, so do not let the world rain on your parade.
Look after yourself.
A feminine woman does not neglect her temple. I often find that when I am most disconnected from my best womanly self – I am not feeding my body adequately, or, rather, feeding my body with the wrong food. Not giving your body the nutritious liquids; vegetables and fruits it needs is robbing yourself of energy, a functional immune system and clear skin! This can be a sensitive topic for some, and I am not telling anyone to calorie count, or to become insecure about their diet – but just having one of your 5 a day, or drinking that dreaded cucumber water (or, even nicer, some strawberry water) – is so important. A feminine woman falls in love with good food; a well rounded, filling, but healthy diet.
Do not neglect what makes you beautiful, and no – this post is not only promoting and embracing the physical beauty that society teaches women to obsess over so often. Focus on what makes you beautiful on the inside. Read a great book (preferably a classic) when you feel like the thoughts in your head are spiralling (I know many of my fellow commuters love a good book on a crowded Tube journey) – instead of doomscrolling, or, if you do choose to doomscroll – doomscroll your way to pretty images… Art, intelligent TikToker girly pops who love to rant about their favourite things for the sake of it, pretty little vintage hauls and a day in the life, or the ‘perfect’ evening routine (and no, please do not doomscroll, but if you do, make it romantic!). Be whimsical! Wear a gorgeous outfit, yes, but go to a museum – just because. Visit an art gallery, not because it is an occasion, but just because you want to admire the work of the greats and not think about work, or responsibility or meticulously planned events for once! Go to a park filled with wonderful, green trees and flowers and rivers … Just exist. Enjoy the quacking of the ducks. The soft humming of the birds. That is feminine. Riding a bicycle down the street and enjoying the wind flowing through your hair! Sometimes, as women, we forget that everything we do is romantic. For crying out loud, we are women, and that is what we are supposed to be. We are supposed to be hopeless optimists – taking the light from the darkness – and holding it up as a lantern in the sky. Being a woman is beautiful, because we make it beautiful. We decorate ourselves and our bedrooms – we bring life to our bathrooms and make everything cosy, and smell sugary sweet or deep, rosy and sensual, lighting candles and baking cookies for no reason at all. Women are supposed to pay attention to detail, in my view, whether it is in our outfits, or in the everyday mundane that can make life feel so much more special – for ourselves, and for those around us. Do not be afraid – do not neglect what makes us beautiful. It is not entirely a physical manifestation, however, rather, your inner self, that makes this true.
Women are not weak; but they are allowed to be vulnerable without the label of ‘damsel in distress’.
Stop trying to prove that you are always strong – this mainly goes for my women of colour/Black and Brown girlies, who may or may not also be first generation. Yes, we understand that unfortunately, women have been long stereotyped as being the weaker sex (which is so obviously untrue, thank God for feminism!). However, a dangerous flipside to that stereotype, especially when merging intersectionality and the treatment of women – is that women can and should acquire double or even triple burdens. You are expected to be the therapist. The mother, even if you did not carry the children you are supposed to be an example for and nurturer of – (eldest sister duties, of course). You are taught that you are supposed to be ultra organised. Constantly, round the clock, responsible – for everything. You are supposed to be clean at all times – no room for lacking, or error. You are never supposed to be tired; because tiredness means: lazy. It means you are not available for the services which you are endlessly expected to provide, without complaint. You are supposed to be maternal; always smiling, ready for instruction, ready to please. Eager, even, to please. You are supposed to know how to prepare meals that people actually want to eat. Not for the love of the game, but because you are expected to. Women in this context are treated like tools – far from human beings. They are stripped of their autonomy; of their talents, their needs, desires and personality because they are supposed to be strong. A woman’s strength, apparently, lies within her ability to accept and not dissent. To be seen and not be heard. To be treated in the way she is perceived to be, based on the reductive views of her womanhood, and not in the way she deserves and commands to be treated. Her voice becomes smaller; it shrinks as her tasks grow, where she becomes physically, emotionally, drained. Women need more sleep, regular intervals to exercise leisure – not for the family, not for her partner – but just for herself. This is mainly (but not exclusive to) my Black and Brown women and girls: stop trying to prove that you are always strong, because of course, you are, and will always be strong – it is inherent to your existence in this sometimes very oppressive world. However, it is not a compliment. It is not a trophy to put on your shelf. In fact, in my view, it is an insult. It is telling you, ‘you can take it’. ‘This is your job’. It is limiting your worth, reducing it to mere tasks and harmful stereotypes which only push you toward burnout, a lack of self-worth, and even depression. Strength, to me, is quiet. It is slowly built, and requires time: it is not constantly exerted to perform daily domestic tasks; or to be the rock that your family needs to survive. Your strength is not dependent on someone’s ability to rely on it. It is yours, and yours alone to treasure. Your strength needs to sleep. Your strength needs to have moments of leisure, and solitude – not complete isolation from those you love – but just time to be in its own space, and breathe. That is how your strong becomes even stronger. Burnout for women is dangerous, and leaves us feeling disconnected from our purpose. And yes, a big part of this – which women find incredibly difficult to do – is asking for help. A truly feminine woman is never afraid to say, ‘I am vulnerable’. She is never afraid to say, ‘I really need some support right now’. You need a village, whether you have children, or whether you are in your early 20s and struggling to find that direction – a woman who is embracing her feminine energy never feels ashamed about her vulnerabilities. Rather, she opens herself up, and allows her community to cocoon itself around her like a blanket of love and protection.
Authenticity is a virtue.
In an age of social media, being authentic is somehow getting lost on us. And yes, I am guilty of being a part of this new age ‘problem’. From micro-trends, to aesthetics, to ‘the dos and donts’ – ‘this is classy’, and ‘this is cute’, but ‘this is ghetto’, and ‘this is deemed unattractive’… We are being pushed to and fro between what we should be, what we should be aspiring for, and what we should avoid altogether. I am here to tell you a little secret: none of it is true. In fact, it could not be further from the truth. You do not need to look a certain way to be feminine. You do not need a specific hairstyle; a specific set of nails at a certain length to be considered ‘classy’ – a woman who truly embraces her feminine is not afraid to lead in her own lane. Do not feel as if you have to copy trends, or emulate a specific standard of beauty to fit in. A feminine woman is confident in her own definition of beauty and knows how to nurture it, embrace it, and not let anyone tear her down or make her feel less than who she knows she is. She is also not afraid to experiment with her own definition of beauty, by trying new hairstyles, embracing different colours – or even none of those at all – but to me, a feminine woman is colourful (not always literally – sometimes figuratively!), constantly trying new styles, and is unique in how she does it. From her thrifted pieces, to her odd and wonderful accessories, to her endless smiles of joy and only positive vibes! She is excited about her hobbies, and actively pursues them. She is authentic because of her positive energy; her bright and vibrant personality, and uniqueness. It is so much more than a lipgloss, or her designer clothes. That is not truly authentic, if the way you are doing it is not true to yourself.
A routine, is the way.
Whether it is in the perfected shower routine, your shopping lists with all your different categories from girly essentials, to the more boring ones – a feminine woman is organised, and sticks to some kind of regimented schedule. Now, I am not saying that you must have an absolutely perfect schedule, however femininity is rooted in patterns, some kind of familiar pathway to having healthy hair; a skincare routine, a healthy body, a well-rounded diet which you take regular trips to shop for with a curated list (not just dipping in and out of Iceland with a bag of goodies, and calling it a day!).
Femininity is not perfect, however, it strives to be the absolute best version of herself. She knows when she needs to study, when she needs to read, when she needs to take breaks, and when she needs to put her work ethic to the test, and dedicate a few hours to her craft; her responsibilities, and building her own unique sense of self.
She is constantly researching new ways to balance her work with her responsibilities, and makes her calendar organisation as efficient as possible. It is reflective of her goals and daily pursuits in life – treating time like a precious pearl.
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