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The Toxic; the Past and the Future.

A Journal Entry.

Chiara

Jun 08, 2026

I have had to come to terms with a lot this year. With my dwindling mental health; my education, my passions and my personal identity (not the identity I impersonate to ‘fit in’). Ultimately, my innermost desires often conflicted with the many things which I sought.

Hello, there. There will be a lot which I will be discussing with you, in today’s journal entry. Welcome, and I hope that this piece resonates where it can.

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Entering my early 20’s; being faced with a ton of personal responsibility, having to heal my inner–child, and commit to an identity which reflects who I am, and the type of woman I have always envisioned for myself to become.

It was a lot.

(And still is).

It got to the point where I had to truly examine the decisions that I was making as an adult, which mirrored the oftentimes very poor decisions which I made in my teenage years. What kind of friends did I want? What type of lifestyle do I want to live? Who even am I?

I went to University blindfolded. No, quite literally blindfolded. I had no idea what type of new friends I wanted to make, since I had no luck maintaining healthy and long lasting friendships in Secondary School much less College/Sixth Form. I did not know what type of student I was; or what to do outside of University…

Everyone had roles and identities – fully formed. Assured of themselves. Fully immersed in the University experience; doing the extra-curriculars they assigned themselves almost seamlessly without much thought about the burnout or any additional, painstaking effort that it would take to be this perfect student, and the perfect role model associated with that student label, simultaneously.

It was above and beyond the things that someone like me would do, which I was absolutely clueless about. From the self-branding, and the marketing of oneself once you climb ranks within a Society (how to even make one in the first place); CV building and the like. Then there was this other aspect of what it meant to be a student in this bustling London campus, which I also struggled greatly with: having the personality to match the air of popularity that we were all desperately seeking. What clubs you went to. Pub Crawls. Dating. All the things that I – coming from a very strict, conservative and traditional household – were foreign to. I was not judgmental of this new form of student life that I had been exposed to on a much higher scale, but I was just … Not accustomed to it. It did not make sense to me. This new life, this new journey, which I embarked on – it did not resonate with who I was. For a long time, (3 years) I struggled to navigate who I was in this world which I clearly did not belong, while already feeling like an outcast in so many other ways more than not.

Why I found it difficult to make friends; the people I attracted and how I overcame the guilt attached to cutting people off.

I found it difficult to make friends because of these key factors; culture, class and difference in taste. That was it. I was actually, for once, very friendly at Uni. I found out so many beautiful and valuable things about myself during those 3 years. How I loved making conversation; learning about the lives of others, doing things outside of my comfort zone for the sake of socialising, such as, say, striking a conversation with random people just because I liked their energy. I had never done that before, and it felt amazing to just simply blossom into the social butterfly which was always inside of me, yet wounded and scarred from past, traumatic experiences in my key stage 4 and key stage 5 years (arguably even well before those core facets of my educational development).

But at the core, there were noticeable differences in how people lived their lives from mine, while I was doing the socialising aspect, at University. Heavy drinking, partying, dating and meeting strangers in clubs – I simply could not participate in those activities. There were people who would gossip endlessly about you and others (and the degree of the gossiping was … a lot – I will elaborate later); clique culture, and sometimes I would even encounter middle class, to upper middle class students who I genuinely could not relate to – I am certainly not taking any skii trips at the moment! Our music tastes are oftentimes vastly different, books and Television – I could not make conversation about any of these things, sometimes, at all. I was not watching Euphoria. I read different books to most people I knew – and that should have been – and is – a good thing; differences should be celebrated! We are all so unique and beautiful, and I met people with different tastes from mine, who inspired me so much in my own influences, and they are amazing! It was not that, though. Not centrally, anyway. It was not truly about feeling different in its sole sense – it was ultimately down to a lack of belonging which I felt in most aspects more than not; the only single woman in the group, the only black-Caribbean woman in the group, the only nerdy one in the group, the only woman who liked pink and typical girly things and activities, the only woman who cared about specific, niche interests that no one else could really relate to. Being different was exacerbated by being different and alone within the consensus – where I could not seem to fit in, no matter where I went. As much as I was surrounded by all these amazing people, it felt incredibly isolating, and the overwhelming amount of people I met along the way exacerbated the isolation – and this was, and is no one’s fault. I could not accept who I was, and find myself, in my most authentic form – if I was constantly changing to fit in and seek the approval of others. It was difficult at first, but it definitely taught me valuable lessons along the way, because I could only be myself and nothing more. It will follow me through life: I do not need to change who I am to fit the consensus, I simply need to exist – and that is completely fine by me.

The people who I attracted are largely down to this deep rooted insecurity – it was certainly a very specific sort of person that would get close to me – and I will split these ‘types’ of people into 2 groups because one half was amazing, and the other half not so much. Hopefully, the type of friends which I attracted will help you to attract the right kind of people – should you take this as a lesson in your personal life.

The first group of people who I met were like me; innocent in the world of meeting new people, and simply glad to see fresh faces, make conversation, and learn about how to maintain these newly formed friendships by just being themselves around you and making sure you felt included. I found, unfortunately however, that meeting these people is, well, to put it simply … rare.

Then, I met these more cynical people. These people often flood your space, typically. The people who are less interested in forming genuine friendships (unbeknownst to me, at the time). They were more interested in ensuring that they gathered intel on me. That they could learn as much about me, to use it against me in the long-run. These people run on toxicity; monitoring you, rather than genuinely keeping track of your achievements, and praising you accordingly – while you do the same for them. Making one another feel seen, not targeted. They gossip about very low-vibrational, emotionally heavy topics regarding other people: discussing intricate details about the personal lives of others to the point where it feels intrusive, and pretty much borderline illegal. These people operate largely on narcissistic behaviours and find people who carry a light, empathetic energy, only to act as vampires upon these more graceful energies – harvesting it for their own selfish gain. It is very seldom an exchange of organic, friendly energy and love. It is transactional; self-centred, egotistical and competitive. I would attract women who pretty much only valued male validation and attention; who used me as a therapist, or just as ‘someone to hang around with when the boyfriend was not there’. I will discuss why this is problematic to you, in a different substack, and it deserves a different conversation entirely (absolutely nothing wrong with being a bit boy crazy, and liking male attention – however – there is a certain kind of woman who uses this to completely destroy the sacred, female friendship space).

My deep rooted insecurity lied in not having enough friends; eating alone, and being considered ‘weird’. I so desperately wanted to associate myself with people who could fill that void which I had carried with me since I was a young girl. Unfortunately enough for me, that only meant that there was a window for the worst kinds of individuals to come in, and try to attach themselves to me under the guise of friendship. They could see the desperation, and would capitalise and exploit that, instead. This is something that a lot of women (and men) do not understand, and will label someone like me as the ‘problem’ for ‘deeping it’, or not being likeable enough to maintain friendships as a whole, or tolerable of such persons who do want to ‘be my friend’. However, I have come to terms with this, and it no longer makes me feel inadequate, or as if I have to ‘people please some more’. I accept that some people are not necessarily the greatest of friends, and it is up to me; my discernment, to examine and evaluate whether or not I am willing to take the risk of keeping these people in my life.

I ultimately learnt how to overcome this guilt, by finding the reasons and the courage to leave them behind with love, not evil. Not out of some kind of self-centred reason, or to prove a point. But for the reason of self-discovery. For the reason of self-improvement in my esteem, my identity and my happiness. Leaving certain people behind (with love) gave me a reason to self reflect after ending that toxic period in my life. It was not selfish, because I was not doing this to burn bridges or to cause spite – I found genuine, good faith reasons to leave people behind – hoping that they, too, would find the friendships they truly wanted and deserved. If I was cutting people off because they were ‘prettier’ or more ‘intelligent’ than me, I would have to do the inner work, and certainly find a way to apologise for cutting people off for reasons that were not in good faith (which would make me feel even more guilty). But that was not my case. I was not cutting people off because I was trying to hurt them – I listed several reasons as to how these persons were almost stealing my energy, and how this was affecting the relationship which I had with myself. It took so much of my time, energy and deep consideration, with regards to the consequences that would be brought forth on myself, and others, should I completely remove certain individuals from my space. I would return to these reasons, however, to remind myself to not go back into these toxic friendships, and get into new, possibly even worse, toxic friendships.

I also overcame this guilt by accepting nature’s course; we outgrow people, and that is perfectly natural and okay. When I stopped trying to force people to remain in my life after their friendship had done its course, in its season – I realised that they were not meant to be in my life, anyway. I am flawed as much as they are flawed – so this was not even necessarily about who is a ‘bad’ person, or, who is a ‘problematic’ personality, even if I did not agree with all of their behaviours and/or lifestyles. Simply put, is that some people belong in your life, and some people belong in the lives of others. No animosity; no hard feelings – just letting things be, and letting things, and the people with it – go. Peacefully.

Why I think you should worry less about making, and keeping friends; a need for more self-development.

Making friends is not the problem. I know that people say that ‘as you get older, it gets harder to form new friendships, and maintain them’. However, I am here to tell you that as much as this can be true, it is not an absolute rule. Friends come and go. Even if you have had a friend for years since childhood, you may not even speak to them as much anymore, due to increased responsibilities, and well, just life. And this is where I say that, yes, you can naturally outgrow some people due to a shift in certain values; you may change, other people may change – not even down to a specific factor, or a specific season. Just for the mere fact that people change every day, in so many ways, and that cannot be helped – it is inevitable and should be encouraged. You will form new friendships. You will find your people, so to speak. Whether that is through travel, work, or just socialising and networking in new spaces, in fresh environments, while you are expanding your horizon as you grow. What I will encourage, however, is to stop hyper-fixating on making new friends, or having a group at a certain size, or keeping old, toxic friendships for the sake of the memories, or just because you feel as if you owe that relationship too much, to let go of it. Focus on personal development. Who are you? What do you want out of life? What kind of people do you want to be inspired by? To share your memories with? And do you prioritise deeper, long lasting friendships – or, do you just want to focus on the now, as you remain in your party era – not really being too serious at the moment? Or, if you are like me and you are, for example, dating with intention to find your dream, long-term partner, as much as you are seeking more real, true and long lasting friendships at this stage in your life – are you looking in the right places? Have you done the inner work to attract the right people?

Once you really do the groundwork, look inwards, and have some serious conversations with yourself, you will find the answers you are looking for. You will begin to realise that the friends you need are right under your nose – and the biggest friend of all (and the one you have probably been avoiding) is looking right at you; your reflection in the mirror. And, as a young woman who struggles immensely with her mental health, I know how incredibly difficult and deeply challenging it is, to really look at yourself in the mirror, coming to terms with who you are and what you want out of life, and seek the people who reflect that – when you do not even know where to start. Take your time; grow, and learn. You will find who you are, what you need, and what you desire the most – this applies not only to friendships, but it applies to anything that you are seeking as a form of deeper, more meaningful fulfillment in your life.

Thank you for reading, this is the end of my journal entry with you.

I hope you enjoyed it.